Why
is it that men seem perfectly happy plopping their sweaty gym socks in the middle of the living room floor
and then get all upset, grossed out and creepy about a pair of freshly washed stockings drying in the bathroom?
And why do men spit? Do they think it impresses the female of the species? Whatever they had in their mouth that was so hideous they couldn't stand keeping in
there does not make us want to give them a great big kiss. They never have understood
that.
Why do men keep their skivvies around forever? I just looked in my husband's
dresser and he's got two pair from 1978. The elastic is all stretched out. The
only thing holding them on is sheer determination and a good belt.
How do I know they're from 1978?
Because the year we were married I lovingly embroidered the days of the week on them.
Why is it that only Saturday and Sunday have lasted for all these years?
These questions, and many others, have been on my mind for quite some
time now. I never really thought I'd find the answer. But then, the secret to
the male thought process was revealed while watching a show called Our Favorite Funny Food on the Discovery channel.
They started out with Twinkie Man.
This ancient milkman, living somewhere in rural America, consumes 5-6 Twinkies every single day. He attributes his longevity to the Twinkie! I'm not convinced.
I think it's the milk. But who am I to argue with a 102-year-old Twinkie addict?
The program moved on to hot dogs and Spam. And then there it was!
Apparently some scientist, with way too much time on his hands, decided
to plug an EEG machine into a bowl of lime Jell-O. His results were startling,
amazing and downright stupendous!
The bowl of lime Jell-O had exactly the same brain wave pattern as the
adult human male. I'm not kidding. It's
the absolute truth.
I don't know about the men in your life, but my husband loves lime Jell-O. And now I understand why... it's brain food!
Now that we have this vital information, I think we should serve lime
Jell-O every day in cafeterias everywhere! It could count as a vegetable because
it is, after all, green. And the following curriculum should be added to schools
throughout the land:
Spit Ball Sociology
Gym Socks Physics
The Theory of Elasticity
Twinkie Biology 101
Jell-O genetics
Girls will learn
all about their future husbands, while boys receive their daily quota of brain food.
Test scores will improve. Marriages will be stronger.
Well, there you have
it, my plan to improve education and reduce the divorce rate in America.
Could lime Jell-O, or the lack of it, explain the odd behavior
of men? Maybe. It's more of an explanation than I've ever had before.
