And then, last night, my old clawfooted bathtub started acting downright peculiar!  Pipes rattled ominously and then a chunky, pea green, soupish material oozed up out of the drain. 

 

I screamed for help!  When my husband arrived, I pointed at the bathtub in horror as green gunk glurped up out of the nether region of our pipes. "It's Possessed!" I whispered.

 

"Oh, it's just a clog.  Probably a hairball" my husband said as he grabbed the plunger and began his attack.  I swore I heard evil laughter as the plunger hit the goop and stuff started gaffumping all over the bathroom wall.   

 

After a few minutes my husband gave up.  "I hate it when you laugh like that!" 

 

"I can't help it!" I snorted, "You look like the Jolly Green Giant after a drive-by souping."

 

With a sigh he replied, "This is serious.  We need something heavy duty."

 

"What?  Like a priest?"

 

"No!" he barked  "Some sort of drain opener!"

 

After sprinkling garlic salt around the tub's perimeter, I headed for the home supply store where they had a perplexing array of choices.  Nothing looked good enough to degunk the hellish hairball.  Finally, the plumbing department guru noticed my dilemma and offered to help. 

 

"Got a clog?" he astutely asked.

 

"Yep" I replied as I read his nametag.  'Garth Faydor, I'm here to help with all your plumbing needs'.  I didn't put much faith in that... he didn't even have a bible. 

 

"What kind of clog?"

 

"Really big."

 

"Hairball?"

 

"Hellish!"

 

"Glop?"

 

"Green."

 

"Sounds like you're gonna need the super duper heavy duty green glop goop killer."  Garth replied.

 

"Yeah, that sounds good.  Gimme some of that" I muttered while peering at the bottles.

 

"Oh we don't put it on the shelves." Garth replied "It's way too dangerous!"  I followed him to the back of the store where he donned a biohazard suit, rubber gloves and a respirator.  In a raspy, heavy-breathing voice Garth turned to me and said... 

 

"Luke.  I am your father."

 

"Huh?"

 

Garth pulled down his breathing mask and said, "Look.  I'd stand back farther!"

 

So I did.

 

Grabbing a pair of tongs, he opened up a small freezer and took out a steaming brown bottle marked with a skull and crossbones.  He placed it in a hermetically sealed plastic container, removed his face mask and said, "You've got about 20 minutes before it starts to thaw.  I'd hurry if I were you."

 

With the emergency flashers on I drove like a bat straight out of hell.  Running into the bathroom I yelled, "Everybody stay back!  Stay way, way back!"  And with that I murmured a little prayer, turned the bottle over and dumped the entire contents into the glurping tub.  

 

With a little puff of green smoke the stuff swirled and seeped back down the drain.

 

Phew!  That really did the trick!

 

It wasn't so scary. 

 

And then...

 

A slow rumbling sound emanated from the basement.  The entire house shook back and forth.  The walls moaned and creaked.  The plumbing hissed and rattled.  With a final loud groan and a little phhhlllrrrpping noise something slowly oozed up out of the green goo.  Something sinister.  Something scary.  Something...

 

Military?

 

"Hey.  Wait a minute!" my son Michael said  "I know what that is!  Last night a paratrooper was flying in behind enemy lines on a highly dangerous and top secret reconnaissance mission.  He disappeared behind the bubbles... er I mean clouds... and was never seen or heard from again!" 

 

My husband calmly turned to me and said, "I think you'd better call the priest after all."

 

"Why?" I asked, "The drain is fixed."

 

"I know" he hollered, "But I'm about to do something unholy to the little creep!"  

 

As I dialed the number, I thought I heard an urping noise coming from the kitchen sink.  

 

"Father O'Malley?  Help!  Do you know anything about plumbing?"